Some Things I Learned About Life

So this blog entry has been in my head for a while.  I am REALLY (like REALLY) a private person when it comes to tough things and trials that I am going through.  I never want to sound like I am complaining or putting my problems on someone else.  So honestly, I just suffer in silence.

And then I moved into my new ward where I am absolutely FLABBERGASTED by the trials that these strong women have gone through!  I have learned so much from hearing their stories, and it didn't come across as complaining or whining.  They shared what they learned and it actually has helped me a lot, with perspective and finding my own strength.

So now this has got me rethinking the whole "keep it all to myself" plan I've always had.  And maybe I more kept it to myself because it still was really tender, where these women were able to talk about it without turning into a blubber mess.  But through learning of their strength, I have found my own and can therefore share without instantly sobbing.  And so I feel I need to share what I have learned as maybe someone can learn from my experience, just as I have learned from countless life lessons learned from the women who surround me.

Ok, onto some background to have my story make sense.  Derrick and I choose to not use birth control.  We've gotten ridicule in the past, so I am not really public with this anymore.  (And this IS NOT an attack on anyone that uses it!  It's not because we think it is evil, because we don't.  We just thought it wasn't the best for US in OUR marriage. We don't judge anyone that uses it or anything.)  We both felt that giving that choice of when to have children completely up to God was the best for our future family.  We can't forsee the future and what will happen down the road, but God does.  So we just thought putting it in His complete control would be best.

I am going to speed up the rest because it's the sad part and not what I want to focus on.  But it helps to understand where I was.  With all that being said, it's not a huge surprise Aaron came 9 months after we were married.  When he was 4 months, I became pregnant again.  (My mom had 5 kids in less than 6 years, so I was very close to all of my siblings growing.  This is what I wanted for my family too, so I wanted kids extremely close together.)  And I was excited thinking I would following my family.  But at the 12 week appointment, we found out we had lost the baby.  I carried the pregnancy until I was 14 weeks (being sick and exhausted like no other the whole time) and still ended up in the E.R. a month after that due to losing too much blood.

I was able to get back in school.  This distracted me for a few months, and then came time to try again. Shortly I became sick and exhausted beyond function yet again.  I knew I was pregnant long before I could take a test.  But I lost this baby as well.  It was really early on, so not as physically or emotionally hurtful as before but still turned the knife into me thinking that maybe I wasn't able to have anymore kids.  I was really depressed.  Like really bad.

The very next month we could still try, and yet again I became pregnant.  This time I wasn't sick or extremely tired.  So I was completely shocked to miss my period and take a positive test.  It still was hard to believe when a baby was confirmed at 8 weeks.  This baby stayed healthy (even though every single appointment is nerve racking instead of exciting) and became my darling Trae!

Four months later, I am pregnant again.  This time without a period in between.  I lost this baby at (guessing) 10-12 weeks.  Which put my due date end of March/early April.  I was DEVASTATED and fell even more deeply depressed than before (which I didn't think was possible at the time).  I guess I was more distracted with student teaching and allowing myself to have a reason of why God would have me miscarry (so I could graduate) but I had absolutely no answer for this one.  And being beyond excited at finding out these babies would be close, just to lose it.  And this one really took a toll on me physically.  I preferred to crawl than to walk and couldn't even sit up I hurt so bad.  It was really hard, and especially with two kids (one being 6 months old, crawling, and into EVERYTHING).

The next month (actually "preventing") I was pregnant yet again, to lose it just weeks later.  I wasn't close to being over the one the month before, so it didn't really affect me too much.  Just sucked physically yet again. A kick while I was down.

I wasn't even functioning and was saying things of "why me?" and "why does she get babies close together when she didn't even want them?"  and other things that just shouldn't have entered my head.  I knew so many people that were pregnant around that time, and then people announced who were due after I was, and then people due "with" me were announcing genders and I still had nothing.  Oh my goodness was I depressed.  I didn't even feel I could go any lower.  So I was feeling pretty helpless.

Then I ran into someone who is an Energy Therapist, and my mother actually recommended me to go in a LONG time ago. (Like before all of this.)  Seeing her there in front of me reminded me and I set up an appointment.

Her first question when I went in (not really knowing what I was getting into) was "What do you hope to get out of this?  Why are you here?" So naturally I mentioned I'm just coming off of my fourth miscarriage and she started from there.

Now my entire experience with her was quite spiritual and I can't share everything, but I do want to share major keys things that will forever change my life.

First of all, she helped me to learn who I am as a child of God.  She helped me reconnect with my Father in Heaven in a way I never have before.  And just like the book "You Are Special" I go to my Father in Heaven often and let Him tell me who I am.  He teaches me what I am to become.  And most of all He shows me how much He loves me and EVERYTHING, including all of this heartache, is for MY good.  It is my journey, and mine alone.  It's not like any one else's journey because they are not me.  So there is no need to compare.  He loves me for me and this is what is best for me.

Second of all, she helped me to understand the atonement in a different way.  It is so much more real and something I can use every single day.  She taught me to imagine Christ as an actual human being, living and literally beside me.  And to talk to Him.  Tell Him my fears, my dreams, my wants, my doubts, be His best friend.  And then imagine myself gathering any pain, regret, anguish, ailments, etc and put it all in one place and actually hand it over to Christ.  And then watch Him walk away with it.  Because that is who Christ is and what He wants to do... help us.  But He can't unless we truly let Him.  So I was able to let go and give Him all of this pain and fear I was having through these experiences.

And third, mostly through the first thing I learned, I was able to learn to TRULY trust my Father in Heaven with control over my life.  I wasn't before as He was giving me what I needed, but I took it so negatively and harshly.  Giving Him control (Christ held my hand through that conversation with my Dad) was a very hard thing for me to do as I do like to be in control and I like to have a plan and I get really thrown off when that plan gets botched.  But after I did this, my faith in Him and how I look at life now is so vastly different.  Everything that can and will happen, is in His control and will only help me to grow.

And so now, it honestly doesn't matter if I have anymore children.  Not that I have given up, but if that is God's plan for me I know it is best.  And I can't ask for better. :)  And if His plan is for me to have 12 children through my 40s (something I NEVER wanted), that's good too.  It doesn't matter what the plan is.  Because I know it is what is best.

The weight off of my shoulders has been amazing, as I truly needed to learn this.  I've carried garbage/self esteem issues my entire life.  But now I know more fully who I am.  And God knew these experiences are what it would take for me to learn this.  So now looking back, I am grateful and can see His hand throughout these events.  And even though I felt so lost and so alone and so unloved at the time, that's what it took me to truly stop thinking about myself and listen to what He had to say.

And these lessons can be applied to ANY trial.  It doesn't just have to be a miscarriage.  You can have complications through pregnancy, financial stress, losing a loved one, not finding your loved one, or millions of other things I can't think of on the spot.  Your Father in Heaven loves you just as much as He loves me.  If you just go and talk to Him, like you would your own dad or friend, He will tell you this.  And you can take comfort through Christ who feels your pain and knowing that what you are going through is God's best plan for you.  And one day (as it may seem impossible during the trial) you will look back and understand and actually become grateful.  That I can promise you.

Grape Juice!

Derrick's grandpa has a big garden and lots of fruit trees and every year the family gets together to make grape juice and whoever help gets to take some home.  Due to our crazy school and work schedules, we have never been able to go since we got married.  So this year we got to go!  It was my first time ever doing this and I must say it was much easier than I expected it to be.  We started out with picking the grapes.  Aaron ate this up.  He loved helping and was pretty good at it.  The grapes were then boiled to break the skin and put in a machine that squooshes them and the juice just came out in a bucket.  Later that day the grape juice was then boiled and bottled.  That's it!

Trae hung out in the pack n play while we picked grapes

Aaron helping out

Aaron was great for getting the grapes that dropped below the vine

LOTS of grapes

Washing and boiling the grapes

Aaron picked an apple with Grandma

And he hung onto that thing the rest of the time

Juice coming from the boiled grapes

My camera died at this point so I didn't get a picutre of when Aaron actually drank the juice, but he liked it.  It was really yummy and oddly really good warm.  I've never had fresh or warm grape juice before.  And maybe it was just that much better because it was cold.

Grape juice all bottled and ready to go!

After grapes were done, Derrick's grandpa pulled out his 1924 (I think that's the year...) Model T Ford.  I had no idea the thing ran, but it did!  We cruised around the neighborhood a few times in it.  It was pretty fun.  It died right before it was put away and the boys were pretty determined to crank start it back up again. (It has been  pulled by a tractor to start before.)

My New House!

So I wanted my house all painted and updated and decorated before I posted any pictures. (All of you home owners out there are laughing at that comment I am sure.)  I have quickly learned that this is just not possible, or at least with an older home.  And especially one this big (over 2000 square feet! I am use to small apartments!) So slowly and little by little this house will become what I envision it to be, but this is what it is at the moment.

Painting the entry way.  The tan was the original color and was EVERYWHERE

Entry way "after!"

We picked a very bold blue to accent.  I can't wait to do what I am thinking to that wall (it will help tone down the blue too)

Upstairs Living Room

Our bedroom... only painted it gray.  We haven't done anything else to it.  It actually is quite a decent size (picture doesn't really show it... there's a pack n play to the left not even in the picture)

Boys room.  This hasn't really been touched.  The wallpaper on the top kinda stopped us as we didn't know the best way to get it off.

Main level bathroom

Our LOVELY mural in the dining room 

Our LOVELY yellow kitchen (can you hear all of my sarcasm?  It's not BAD, but certainly not my taste.)

Our huge deck.  We are crossing fingers that massive hot tub still works!

Shed and some yard (Our backyard is small since we are on a corner lot.  The biggest part of our yard is on the side.)

Downstairs Bathroom (I think the previous occupants loved yellow...  Just a hunch though.)

Currently the playroom.  Definitely an older style yet again.

The fourth bedroom, which is filled with unpacked boxes :)  Go us!

My pantry under the stairs :)

Laundry room with more storage

Not the prettiest laundry room, but I am grateful just to have my own laundry room!

Downstairs living room.  Another MASSIVE mural with deer!

My food storage room!  It's awesome to have SO much storage! (One of the biggest reasons I loved this house when we first walked through.)

Our 72 hour kits by the back door.

It's definitely not the newest or prettiest (at the moment) but I am excited to make it our own, even though it probably will take longer than we live in the house for.  But hey, every upgrade means we increase the worth of the house!  And that's hard to do with a brand new house.  So in the end it really is worth it. :) (Sometimes I just have to tell myself that when I think how much easier it would have been to just buy a new house instead, already painted and updated.)

1 in 4

I had a friend post this on facebook and I thought "How brave to say that so loudly!"  And it kinda gave me strength, like I am not alone.  And so then I thought if this gave me strength, maybe me sharing it will possibly help or encourage someone else.
So today (October 15) is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and I wear this badge in honor of the 3 babies I have lost and never gotten to hold in my arms.  I am grateful for what I have learned through these experiences as I know my healthy pregnancies and babies are things I NEVER take for granted.  I know that life is so precious and such a miracle and the babies I do get to hold become more precious each time I go through a loss.  And each time I get a little stronger.  And gain a little more understanding of a higher plan for me that is not my own.  And leaning a little more on my Father in Heaven who I know loves me more than I can ever comprehend.

My Two Favorite Little Boys

And here again is my routine catch up on our little family.  

Derrick is back in school and is off track again Thanksgiving. (It's so weird to have all of these breaks!)  We are starting back into a routine, but the entire month we were just so "off."

We had foster care training for 4 hours twice a week the entire month of September.  Finding a sitter and planning for this was really hectic.  But it was kinda nice to be with just my husband during these times (although I still never counted it as a date).  We actually found a couple in our ward on the first day!  Neither of us had a clue the other was thinking about foster care, so it was fun to have someone we know not only in the classes but going through the whole, same process.

Aaron doesn't even have tantrums anymore.  I think partly because we ignored them, and partly due to what we have now been doing since what we learned in our classes.  So that is way nice.  I wish we could figure something out for how Aaron treats Trae... He mostly is nice and can be the SWEETEST big brother, but other times he looks to see if I am watching and pushes or kicks.  If I leave the room and Trae starts crying, I immediately run back to see if Aaron is near him.  One really nice thing about Aarons age right now is he doesn't lie.  I'll ask, "What happened?"  and Aaron will immediately tell me.  "Bonk head," "Aaron push," "Aaron bite."  So I don't have to worry about missing a punishment for a crime.  I thank him for being honest hoping that will help him encourage continuing this, but I am sure he will learn one day.  But for now, I am very grateful!

Aaron LOVES music espcially right now.  When I play the piano (yeah!  I have a piano!!) Aaron will either lay down on the couch and just watch/listen or he'll jump on the seat with me and watch/listen.  I put tape on the keys so I can tell him what key to play and he plays along.  Sometimes I let him choose and I follow, but it usually ends in him trying to go as fast as he can and giggling.  It's been fun to share something that I love so much with him.  I would LOVE if one of my children has the same interest.  But one can only hope. :)

Aaron also loves to sing.  His favorites at the momtn are the ABC's (he says about every other letter except for "elemeno" and "WXY & Z" and he ends with a big AMEN), Itsy Bitsy Spider, 5 Monkeys Jumping on the Bed (especially the NO NO NO part), & 5 Monkeys Swinging in the Trees.  He would sing these all day if I would do it with him.  To finally end the bedtime routine, I tell him he can sing by himself.  And sometimes he does!  It's so cute to listen to since he says only the main words and parts.

Trae is 8 months old!!  Where the heck did the time go??  I can't believe he is so big, and he really is my mover.  I figured he would have this exact personality just with how he acted when I was pregnant with him. He learns something everyday I swear and I REALLY have to watch him.  He is crawling, pulling up on things, walking along furniture, crawls over things that hit his waist, tries to climb over things higher (so it's only a matter of time), walks around his crib and tries to climb out of that (I am glad we moved it to the lowest setting the first time.  We never got to this level of lowness with Aaron, but Aaron was the opposite personality!), has learned where TWO garbage cans are kept and tries to get in them every time he is near them (And has more than once!  Tipped over our big kitchen one today!), eats EVERYTHING in sight (talk about gross... I gag every time I am fishing stuff out, and more than once this has caused him to puke all over me with the gag reflux...blech), and started today opening cupboards and drawers and getting in them. Our pantry has shelves from the floor and he was trying to climb those!  So as of today, he is not allowed in the kitchen.  I found him eating the bottom of our broom (a new favorite), climbing the pantry, pulling out appliances (Thank goodness nothing fell!  I was in the kitchen the whole time so I was already close!), and tipping garbage cans.  My goodness this kiddo keeps me on my toes.

Trae LOVES food.  He eats all day long.  (I fed him before we dropped him off at the sitter tonight and he still ate a whole jar with rice cereal added & 9 ounces of rice cereal in 2 hours.  Talk about a tank!)  I swear he sees it a mile away.  And waits for the EXACT moment you are not looking to pounce.  Even when I am holding it, I swear he comes out of nowhere and grabs it.  We have had many spills.  And I am learning to not feed him as much "adult" food... this also usually ends in throwing up.  It's just hard to say no to that cute face that's staring at you eating and smacking his lips!  But I will resist because the throw up is NOT fun.  Yuck.

Trae LOVES toilet paper.  This will be REALLY bad once he can reach the roll in the bathroom.  He has now learned that there is toilet paper in the bathroom garbage can.  And I can even be watching him and he's fast enough to get to it and put it in his mouth before I can grab him.  And this paper falls apart in his mouth quite quickly.  Yuck again.  Bathroom door will have to be shut too I guess from now on.  Hopefully Aaron is still good about going potty...

Trae has been teething this week, which was already a really rough week on me.  So hopefully we get over that soon so that I can get some sleep again. (But at least it's the weekend so either way I have a hubby around to help!  Yeah!)

And I think that pretty much catches us up!

Here are the pictures!  And I realize that there is a mess in the background of like every picture...it's how we live our life surrounded by toys all day long... but what counts is that the mess changes, right? ha ha

Tipped some boxes over... and oddly enough, he more just played in it instead of eating.  Go figure this time he doesn't eat when he eats everything else in sight that's NOT food.

We found Aaron's baby doll in a box and Aaron has been playing baby.  He was so concerned that the baby was hungry and needed a bottle, so I grabbed one we don't use out of another box.  Whenever Trae finds it, he sucks away like a crazy man.  It's pretty funny.

Trae likes the doll as well.

Going crazy on the baby bottle.

7 months!

Look at that cute face!  LOVE him!

Aaron LOVES to play with this purse.  I keep it on my door and he usually hangs it around his neck and goes through the house.

Playing the piano!

Trae when he first was pulling himself up to things

I have NO idea where that hair comes from... still doesn't stay down if I try.  Stops people all the time to compliment on it as it sure is interesting and does it's own thing.  I love it!  Even though Derrick is trying to convince me to cut it...

Climbing up me

And pretty happy about it!

Aaron loves climbing up the bean bag to hang out.

Standing and chewing on the crib.

I couldn't find his binky and was surprised that Trae went to sleep easy.  Checked on him and he was sucking on his blanket!

I have NO idea what happened... Aaron went in the bathroom to go potty, and came back out crying like this!  I laughed SO hard and had to take a picture before I helped him out.  He wasn't too happy about it.

Walking on furniture!

Eating real corn!  (As in not blended kind.)  And feeding himself pretty good!

We got LOTS of clapping during this session of eating.

I don't understand this face... but he makes it a lot and usually blows raspberries at the same time.  Sometimes spits out food using this method.  Too funny.  I am glad I finally got it on camera!

And back to clapping.

8 months!  And ready for church!  We put gel in his hair so it would stay down.  And he looks SO weird with his hair down!  It's just so straight up all the time!  And by the end of church, it was back to normal as if we didn't put gel in it to begin with!

He wasn't so happy about the tie, but I thought it was cute!

And here are some videos....

Aaron singing some of his favorite songs 

(sorry about the light behind him... he refused to sit anywhere else!)

Trae pulling up and walking along furniture

Trae walking with a walker!