Some Things I Learned About Life

So this blog entry has been in my head for a while.  I am REALLY (like REALLY) a private person when it comes to tough things and trials that I am going through.  I never want to sound like I am complaining or putting my problems on someone else.  So honestly, I just suffer in silence.

And then I moved into my new ward where I am absolutely FLABBERGASTED by the trials that these strong women have gone through!  I have learned so much from hearing their stories, and it didn't come across as complaining or whining.  They shared what they learned and it actually has helped me a lot, with perspective and finding my own strength.

So now this has got me rethinking the whole "keep it all to myself" plan I've always had.  And maybe I more kept it to myself because it still was really tender, where these women were able to talk about it without turning into a blubber mess.  But through learning of their strength, I have found my own and can therefore share without instantly sobbing.  And so I feel I need to share what I have learned as maybe someone can learn from my experience, just as I have learned from countless life lessons learned from the women who surround me.

Ok, onto some background to have my story make sense.  Derrick and I choose to not use birth control.  We've gotten ridicule in the past, so I am not really public with this anymore.  (And this IS NOT an attack on anyone that uses it!  It's not because we think it is evil, because we don't.  We just thought it wasn't the best for US in OUR marriage. We don't judge anyone that uses it or anything.)  We both felt that giving that choice of when to have children completely up to God was the best for our future family.  We can't forsee the future and what will happen down the road, but God does.  So we just thought putting it in His complete control would be best.

I am going to speed up the rest because it's the sad part and not what I want to focus on.  But it helps to understand where I was.  With all that being said, it's not a huge surprise Aaron came 9 months after we were married.  When he was 4 months, I became pregnant again.  (My mom had 5 kids in less than 6 years, so I was very close to all of my siblings growing.  This is what I wanted for my family too, so I wanted kids extremely close together.)  And I was excited thinking I would following my family.  But at the 12 week appointment, we found out we had lost the baby.  I carried the pregnancy until I was 14 weeks (being sick and exhausted like no other the whole time) and still ended up in the E.R. a month after that due to losing too much blood.

I was able to get back in school.  This distracted me for a few months, and then came time to try again. Shortly I became sick and exhausted beyond function yet again.  I knew I was pregnant long before I could take a test.  But I lost this baby as well.  It was really early on, so not as physically or emotionally hurtful as before but still turned the knife into me thinking that maybe I wasn't able to have anymore kids.  I was really depressed.  Like really bad.

The very next month we could still try, and yet again I became pregnant.  This time I wasn't sick or extremely tired.  So I was completely shocked to miss my period and take a positive test.  It still was hard to believe when a baby was confirmed at 8 weeks.  This baby stayed healthy (even though every single appointment is nerve racking instead of exciting) and became my darling Trae!

Four months later, I am pregnant again.  This time without a period in between.  I lost this baby at (guessing) 10-12 weeks.  Which put my due date end of March/early April.  I was DEVASTATED and fell even more deeply depressed than before (which I didn't think was possible at the time).  I guess I was more distracted with student teaching and allowing myself to have a reason of why God would have me miscarry (so I could graduate) but I had absolutely no answer for this one.  And being beyond excited at finding out these babies would be close, just to lose it.  And this one really took a toll on me physically.  I preferred to crawl than to walk and couldn't even sit up I hurt so bad.  It was really hard, and especially with two kids (one being 6 months old, crawling, and into EVERYTHING).

The next month (actually "preventing") I was pregnant yet again, to lose it just weeks later.  I wasn't close to being over the one the month before, so it didn't really affect me too much.  Just sucked physically yet again. A kick while I was down.

I wasn't even functioning and was saying things of "why me?" and "why does she get babies close together when she didn't even want them?"  and other things that just shouldn't have entered my head.  I knew so many people that were pregnant around that time, and then people announced who were due after I was, and then people due "with" me were announcing genders and I still had nothing.  Oh my goodness was I depressed.  I didn't even feel I could go any lower.  So I was feeling pretty helpless.

Then I ran into someone who is an Energy Therapist, and my mother actually recommended me to go in a LONG time ago. (Like before all of this.)  Seeing her there in front of me reminded me and I set up an appointment.

Her first question when I went in (not really knowing what I was getting into) was "What do you hope to get out of this?  Why are you here?" So naturally I mentioned I'm just coming off of my fourth miscarriage and she started from there.

Now my entire experience with her was quite spiritual and I can't share everything, but I do want to share major keys things that will forever change my life.

First of all, she helped me to learn who I am as a child of God.  She helped me reconnect with my Father in Heaven in a way I never have before.  And just like the book "You Are Special" I go to my Father in Heaven often and let Him tell me who I am.  He teaches me what I am to become.  And most of all He shows me how much He loves me and EVERYTHING, including all of this heartache, is for MY good.  It is my journey, and mine alone.  It's not like any one else's journey because they are not me.  So there is no need to compare.  He loves me for me and this is what is best for me.

Second of all, she helped me to understand the atonement in a different way.  It is so much more real and something I can use every single day.  She taught me to imagine Christ as an actual human being, living and literally beside me.  And to talk to Him.  Tell Him my fears, my dreams, my wants, my doubts, be His best friend.  And then imagine myself gathering any pain, regret, anguish, ailments, etc and put it all in one place and actually hand it over to Christ.  And then watch Him walk away with it.  Because that is who Christ is and what He wants to do... help us.  But He can't unless we truly let Him.  So I was able to let go and give Him all of this pain and fear I was having through these experiences.

And third, mostly through the first thing I learned, I was able to learn to TRULY trust my Father in Heaven with control over my life.  I wasn't before as He was giving me what I needed, but I took it so negatively and harshly.  Giving Him control (Christ held my hand through that conversation with my Dad) was a very hard thing for me to do as I do like to be in control and I like to have a plan and I get really thrown off when that plan gets botched.  But after I did this, my faith in Him and how I look at life now is so vastly different.  Everything that can and will happen, is in His control and will only help me to grow.

And so now, it honestly doesn't matter if I have anymore children.  Not that I have given up, but if that is God's plan for me I know it is best.  And I can't ask for better. :)  And if His plan is for me to have 12 children through my 40s (something I NEVER wanted), that's good too.  It doesn't matter what the plan is.  Because I know it is what is best.

The weight off of my shoulders has been amazing, as I truly needed to learn this.  I've carried garbage/self esteem issues my entire life.  But now I know more fully who I am.  And God knew these experiences are what it would take for me to learn this.  So now looking back, I am grateful and can see His hand throughout these events.  And even though I felt so lost and so alone and so unloved at the time, that's what it took me to truly stop thinking about myself and listen to what He had to say.

And these lessons can be applied to ANY trial.  It doesn't just have to be a miscarriage.  You can have complications through pregnancy, financial stress, losing a loved one, not finding your loved one, or millions of other things I can't think of on the spot.  Your Father in Heaven loves you just as much as He loves me.  If you just go and talk to Him, like you would your own dad or friend, He will tell you this.  And you can take comfort through Christ who feels your pain and knowing that what you are going through is God's best plan for you.  And one day (as it may seem impossible during the trial) you will look back and understand and actually become grateful.  That I can promise you.