Foster Care Training

So I started this entry WEEKS ago, and then there was a problem with the save and I lost it all!  And everyone that has had that happened after they wrote something long, you're not so eager to just jump back and do it all over again!  So alas, it's been almost a month.  But our foster classes are now over with and I wanted to share some things that I learned!  It definitely had its ups and downs (and I was hormonal already anyways, so that just adds to the mix) but I learned a lot that will help in just my own life whether we do foster care or not.

Mostly I am going to share from the class on discipline.  The other classes were heartbreaking or more relevant to just foster care, but the night on discipline was amazing.  And enlightening.  And seriously could be the sole reason we have felt to do foster care at all (even though we are still going forward with everything).

I don't really know how to share this information in an organized fashion (and I don't remember at all how I did it last time), so maybe I'll just do bullet points?  That's more how my notes are written...  So here goes.  I am sure some of these you already know, as many of them I already knew, but I almost guarantee there is SOMETHING in here anyone could learn from.  I know I still learned a lot.

• Give attention to the behavior you WANT to see.  So many people forget and just get mad or talk to their children when they see the bad behavior.  Give high-fives, praise, and hugs when they are nice to siblings, put their cup in the sink, sit in the car quietly, etc.  Whatever behavior is reinforced/gains attention will continue more.
• If you want to change a behavior, instead of taking something away for doing that behavior (no t.v. if you pee your pants) give an incentive for doing what you want instead (15 extra min of tv if you pee in the potty... can you tell we are in this phase?? ha ha).  This allows the child to make the choice for themselves, and has them WANT to make the right choice.  This also puts your attention on the good behavior and is a positive way to treat the situation.
• Whatever behavior is LOOKED for will be FOUND.  If you are looking for your child to do something bad, you will find it.  If you are looking for your child to be good, you will also find it.  What do you want your focus to be on?
• A human being is more important than their history or choices. This is a great reminder not only as parents, but just of people.  Look at them as children of God as that is who they are.  Definitely helps with judging.
• ***Your relationship with your child should always be your number one priority.***  This was the main idea of everything said.  If you are always thinking about this, you will not react in a negative way towards your child.  You can still discipline and have a good relationship.  If you ever feel you are hurting that relationship, stop what you are doing.  (yelling, being rough, talking down to your child, etc)  Stopping immediately in the middle of a sentence or punishment will not hurt the relationship more.  If you need to take a breather before you come back, do so.  Never feel like you have to react immediately to a situation to where you can't handle it unemotionally.  If you have to take a whole day before you can talk about it, do so.  The relationship with that child should always be more important than discipline/teaching.  3 questions to always ask about any interaction with your child that helps you stay in check:
• How are you feeling about interaction?
• How is child feeling about  interaction?
• How is this impacting the relationship?
• Compliant parenting (not giving child a choice/they are forced to comply) is appropriate in health/life situations (walking in a busy street) and only that.  It shouldn't be a regular parenting technique.
• Consistancy is CRITICAL.  The moment you break or give in tells them how far to push.
• Don't set expectations for kids (You will not swear in this house no matter what) as it only sets up a challenge for them and you can't force them to do anything.  You can have rules with consequences (If you swear, then you get soap in the mouth) but don't say it in a way that makes the child feel they don't have a choice.  Because in fact, they do.  They always have the choice.  This ties with...
• You only have control over yourself.  Absolutely zero control over anyone else, including children.  You have influence, but no control.  So don't act like you have control or can make them do anything (and trying to do this will most definitely hurt the relationship).
• Just teach and help your children to make right choices that benefit them.  They learn this by having the free opportunity (free as in you won't give a negative consequence if they don't choose what YOU want) to make those choices. And here I am not talking about you should let your children hit each other and a natural consequence will follow eventually.  You can still have a consequence that is TIED to the choice.  But not letting your teen drive because they don't want to go to church is a consequence not really tied to the choice.  Let your kids MAKE choices and teach about the consequence, whether it be a good or bad consequences.  Let you two year old be able to choose to brush their teeth every night.  If they choose not to, the dentist will be a HUGE learning experience for them that you didn't have to hurt your relationship by FORCING them to brush against their will.
• Let children make their own choices, and ultimately mistakes.  Then teach about the connection between them.  The sooner you let them make their own choices (even if you disagree), the sooner they will learn about how making good choices benefits them and what those good choices are.  This will help teach them to learn down the road at the consequences and then choose the choice with the consequence they want.
• Have children feel like a part of the solution instead of feeling like they are the problem.
• Always think as to why the child is modeling a certain behavior.  If you can find out why, you can help to eliminate that problem.  If your child is old enough, ask them calmly.  Understanding the why not only helps solve the problem from happening again but helps you to not jump to conclusions that may be wrong.
• Understand where a child is at developmentally.  For example, two year olds don't understand time.  So don't get frustrated when they keep asking, "Is it time yet now?  Is it time yet now?  Are we there yet?  Can we finish our project?"  It helps keep you calm when you don't expect something that the child is incapable of knowing/doing.
• Present yourselves, as parents, as a unified front.  Never say something with "Don't tell your dad" or not knowing what your spouse would say.  Always say "Let's go talk to your mom/dad" even  if it's inconvenient. Showing this unified front will tell your kids that you respect one another and work together.  It puts the "who has the power" to both of you.  And it helps your marriage as no one will be finding out things that the other said "Don't tell."
• Every interaction is a teaching interaction:  Bad or good, you are teaching.  So act the way you want your child to act.  And interact with your child when they are being good!  This teaches them that you will give attention when they act that way as well!
• When you mess up, say sorry.  No one is perfect, and especially parents (believe me, I know best of all...) Saying sorry is the best thing you can do for your kids.  It no only repairs the relationship that you just ripped down, but it models the behavior to your kids of what you want them to do when they behave wrongly.
• Here are few more things in an acronym, TEACH
• Timing matters: be aware of what you and your child's better time is.  For example, I am NOT a morning person and therefore, I am not the best at being calm and teaching in the best way early in the morning.  So I don't do it!  It won't be better than whatever Aaron is doing if I start yelling.  I also try to not "set Aaron up" during this time.  He has a hard tim sharing with Trae, so I don't have them play together until I am awake.  Does that make sense?  Also remember the child's time... Aaron is not the best when he is tired.  So trying to calmly teach him to react differently when he's crying over everything doesn't help either.  Teaching moments work best when timing is right.
• Every bad behavior is purposeful: If you find out the "why" it will help you and the child to stop the behavior.
• Appropriate consequences: Appropriate means consequences that make sense to your child.  Aaron loves playing the ipad, so he plays this when he has a successful potty day.  Our next child may love finger painting.  Do negative and positive consequences that work for that individual child, which therefore will usually mean different consequences per child.
• Control yourself: You can't do anything positive if you are not in control with yourself (more on this in just a second!!)
• Hands on parenting:  Be there!  Don't just tell your kids what to do while you watch tv.  Play with them!  Get on their level to play with and talk to.

And one last thing that we actually learned on another day was probably the BEST information I got.  Not only has it helped in how to parent my two year old, but it's helped me keep myself in check.  It's helped more with myself  but it's how to help keep yourself in check.  You can only activate one part of your thinking brain at a time... and two of those parts are your logical and emotional side.  So if you are thinking logically (and we hope to always be here), we won't be acting on emotions.  And vice versa.  So if you are emotional, you CANNOT think logically.  So the tip for ourselves, if you are emotional, take a breather until you are thinking logically.  And a good trick to switch is to first admit you are thinking emotionally.  Feel that emotion and embrace it and admit you are feeling it.  Then start asking questions of why, and answering questions takes our logical side and therefore will help us switch.

This same technique helps with kids.  If kids are acting on emotion (fell down and are crying), they CAN'T think logically.  So if we say "you're fine, get back up" they don't know this.  They don't listen to this.  They are feeling emotions, not thinking "Oh ya, I am just fine."  So, as a parent, first talk about the emotional side.  "Are you sad?  Are you feeling hurt?" and just asking questions will help the child to start thinking logically again.  We have pretty much stopped tantrums with Aaron with this technique.  We warn him of time up with the ipad (but remember he doesn't understand time?) but he still gets upset when we take it away.  Instead of saying "We told you one more minute" like we use to, we now say "Are you sad?  Did taking the ipad away make you sad?" When Aaron responds through his tears, we know he's starting to move his thinking.  So then we can talk logically and say, "It's time for the ipad to go bye bye.  We can play the ipad again later, ok?  Right now we can play trains though.  Do you want to play trains?"  And this usually ends his sadness before a tantrum even starts.  Its AWESOME.  And this works with MANY situations; I just gave this one as an example.

Knowing this information of logical and emotional, I've helped to stay much more logical.  Now I am aware of when I am starting to lean to the side of emotional, and I can jump back to the logical side quickly.  And not that I stopped being emotional completely, (Since I have been married, I have always been either pregnant, have a newborn-4 month old baby, or going through a miscarriage.  Talk about hormones going crazy ALL THE TIME.) but I stopped giving excuses.  I use to just say "Well, I'm pregnant" or "I don't get sleep" or something along those lines to just validate what emotional outbreak I had.  And after three years, (sadly it took so long) I am learning that this phase of having extra emotions is not going away anytime soon.  It probably won't end until I am completely done having kids, and even then I will still need to control myself.  Recently I learned that ANYONE can control themselves at ANY moment.  There just is no excuse out there that this does not apply to.  And so I started to control my emotions, despite the heavy odds against me, and this tip (among others) have helped SO MUCH!  I just start to feel myself going to the emotional side, and can readjust my thinking quickly.  I can take a break when I am emotional, and wait until I am logical again.  Last night I was heavily emotional, and a topic of discussion came up with my husband.  I told him I knew I was emotional and so this conversation should happen at a different time when I knew I could think it through (and my responses) with logic. (Remember the tip of knowing your good timing??)

Anywho, that last bit was me rambling a little bit.  But what I learned has seriously helped me SO much!  I almost want to take the class again just to more solidify everything as it was just so good.  I hope you learned something too!  If you have any questions (like if something didn't make sense, as I am writing this super late as my children are screaming in the other room...) let me know!

Potty Training

Yeah finally!  The success of potty training!  Or at least mostly ha ha I know it is really premature to be so excited, but at least Aaron is UNDERSTANDING what we want now!  And it's been a long time in the works and I don't want this post forever long so... I will just say what worked for us.  We tried tons of things that didn't work, but that doesn't mean I don't think it would work for someone else.  I truly believe that every child is different and you just gotta find what works for them at the right time.  (If you are curious about something we tried, ask me.  We tried A TON of things.)

With that said, here is what we did.

We started introducing before he was 18 months.  And every month or two we'd do another push or try something new.  And we had 0 success.

Fast forward a lot (remember I didn't want this super long?).  I didn't try really hard having a newborn.  Once we ever got a good routine, Trae would have a growth spurt or start cutting a tooth and throw it all off.  One day (maybe 3-4 weeks ago?) I tried again.  I read on a blog of a child who was very independent (this is COMPLETELY my Aaron) and her daughter was successful once the mom STOPPED telling her what to do or when to go.  On another blog I read about having a "Potty Party" so they are excited about the whole process.  So I thought I'd put those together and give it a try.

The first Potty Party

I made it all exciting and even got him all excited about it the night before.  That morning, I showed him the potty (by this time he has a separate little potty), read him a potty book, showed him candy in a jar to get when he used the potty, had TONS of snacks and juice sitting on our coffee table, and put in Elmo's Potty Time video.  I told him "When you need to go pee, use the potty," left him naked and did nothing else.  At first he didn't really do anything but veg at the tv screen.  He did have an accident, and I made no big deal.  He helped me clean up while I told him "That's ok.  Next time use the potty!"

Then after a little bit, he disappeared....  I didn't want him peeing anywhere so I went to find him.  And he was sitting on the potty!  Except I ruined it... he saw me, yelled "No!" and ran away.  So I told myself next time to not follow and risk him peeing somewhere.  Before I knew it, Aaron was yelling "I did it!  I did it!"  and sure enough his little potty was full!  I was ECSTATIC!!  I made a HUGE deal out of it, high fives, dancing, the whole sha-bang.  He got candy and was SO excited!  The rest of the day he had maybe 2 accidents, but overall he was really good!  I could tell he still wasn't fully comfortable with the potty (let a lot of it out when I put a diaper on him for nap time), but at least we had PROGRESS.

Well, this was summer.  And we were busy.  So this was REALLY bad but we decided to put off training until we could fully commit, and that meant after vacations.  So we went a few weeks with doing nothing and putting him in diapers (something I DON'T recommend... he just threw me off guard by actually doing it!) to get the vacations over with.  And then when the vacations were over, Trae was teething.  I SO did not have the energy to potty train too.

So then just last Monday, I was giving Aaron a bath.  After drying him off and he's running around naked while I grabbed his pjs, he started saying "Potty!  Potty!" in a panicked voice.  I rushed him to the potty and he went!  He knew that it was coming and to not go on the carpet!  Derrick and I made a huge deal and decided I really needed to catch this kid while he's ready.

Loving the candy after the potty!

So Derrick went shopping for another Potty Party and stocked up.  Tuesday I left him naked (well, bottom half) and made a big deal of the party party.  He got to watch Elmo and Super Why all he wanted, had tons of snacks and juice, and that was it.  He was pretty pumped.  I told him to use the potty, put down towels (just in case) and didn't pay much attention after that.  (I stayed in the room, but didn't put him on the potty or tell him to go or anything.)

And that was all she wrote.  He used the potty every time.  It was AMAZING.  Bummer about boys though is pee still gets EVERYWHERE.  But at least it's mostly in the bathroom and we are headed in the right direction.

Even when we took a break for lunch, I told him to tell mommy if he needed to go potty.  And he did.  I got him out of the high chair and he ran in and used the potty.  Sometimes he was so excited about it, he forgot to get his candy.  And for you that know my Aaron, he LOVES candy and sees it a mile away I swear.  So he was pretty exited about this potty business.

He even was dry for his nap.  I told him to go before bed, which he did.  I put a pull up on in case, but he woke up and went again.  It was awesome.

I did get nervous about #2 though... I told him that when he needs to go stinky (that's what we call it), he should do that in the potty too.  And that evening, Aaron was sitting on his potty with his leg propped up and reading his potty book for a bit.  (It was SO cute!  I should have taken a picture.)  And then he came running telling me all about how he went stinky in the potty.  Talk about one proud mama!  I was completely not expecting that at all.

I don't think he wanted to miss the show... he grabbed his potty and brought it to the living room.  Also put on his underwear himself... he was not wearing that before ha ha

What really did it I think was letting Aaron choose for himself when to go.  When I decided that was when we first got success.  Before it just was a battle every time and we'd both end up frustrated.  Aaron also likes his privacy and I believe he felt more comfortable NOT having me watch him or waiting by the door. Now he's fine if I am there, but I could tell he wanted to figure it out himself and NOT have me telling me what to do.

I know it most definitely won't be perfect and will take more time, but hopefully we at least won't have to put him in an other diaper ever again!  Wahoo!

And here's a few pictures of Trae... he is such a chunker!  And a lover of food!  I saw his best crawling this day going for the bowls of snacks on the floor.  He was SO fast to get into them every time!  And never once put them in his mouth.. it was like he didn't really know what to do with it once he got it.  Funny boy.

Staring at his empty hand since I took away the cheeto.  He was really mesmerized by the cheese left behind.

Crafts

Here are just some of the crafts/projects I've done in the last little bit:

I made curtains!  We have a huge front window that I wanted to cover and I really like how they turned out!

This is the fabric up close

The curtain rod was $15! (When everything else big enough for my window was at least $60!)  I figured it was partly because of the ugly reddish-brown decor.  Nothing a black sharpie didn't fix!

This are the lyrics of our love songs to each other on canvas with bubble paint.

It took a LONG time to write two whole songs down... Had to keep taking breaks as my hand would cramp up.

And this lovely piece of furniture was free on the side of the road!  I LOVE free!!   Finally took the time to put some decorations in it!  (Ignore the diaper boxes... those will soon be replaced.)

With more pictures in it! (Ignore Aaron's bum... I did this project while potty training since I was stuck in the living room all day anyways.)  I think this is too busy at the moment, but I didn't want to repack all the pictures to unpack again once I get my shelves up.  So busy it is!

Didn't August just start?

     I seriously have no idea where August went.  Has it flown by for everyone else?  I can't remember where I was, but I needed to know the date and I was thinking August 4?  Uber fail.  It was like the 17.  I was so shocked.  I guess that's what happens when you don't have a car, are shut in everyday and are severely sleep deprived.  Awesome.

     Anywho, here is the normal update:

     Derrick is actually off track in a week and a half!  I can't believe how fast that has gone by!  (I know, I know.  I already mentioned that.)  He is really liking his new class as they are MUCH easier than his class last year. (The class that caused their teacher to retire mid-year and all other teachers refuse to rotate?  Ya, that class.)  I am super excited to have him home in September, although we are going to keep very busy.  Derrick and I are going to be doing training to be licensed for foster care.  We hope to bust it all out (8 trainings that are 4 hours each) at once, so that makes one busy month!

     I am trying to be better at balancing my life.  I took this little test online about where you are spending your time... ya, none of it was on me.  Intellectually, emotionally, physically, nada.  So now I have been trying to exercise (bought an xbox game and LOVE it!  Aaron does it with me too!), challenge my brain (I do puzzles online when I can), and have picked up crafting (thank you pinterest!).  I know that sounds like I have a lot of time, which I don't, but at least I try to fit things in when I can now.  It's definitely helping.

     Aaron... oh Aaron.  Everywhere we go people ask if he's two.  Does that sum him up?  He's starting to know exactly HOW to push my buttons and does it PURPOSELY.  So fun.  But when he is good, he is the sweetest little guy ever.  Tonight he kept asking me to stay in bed with him and sing while snuggling!  I know he was just trying to put off bedtime, but I'll take all the snuggle time I can get with this kid!  It does not happen often anymore.

     I got the boys' pictures taken and Aaron was the biggest stinker ever.  He kept pushing Trae over saying "whoa" like it was an accident (which then put Trae in a fit for hitting his head), "falling" off the stool onto the floor, dropping every ball we wanted him to hold for the picture, wouldn't sit near Trae, roll over while yelling "whoa! whoa!", etc.  I eventually just kicked him out of taking pictures.  So didn't get any good ones of my boys together, but I guess that's just the phase we are in.

     Aaron is nearly potty trained.  (I say nearly because we haven't tested going out in public yet.)  Today was his first real and successful day.  I won't go into detail (I am saving it for it's own post) but he only had one accident today (I think... it was at the very end of the day and I wasn't here) and even pooped for the first time in the potty!  Major win for everybody!  Yeah!!

     I am LOVING the stage Trae is in right now.  (Ok, only when he is NOT teething!)  He is just the happiest little guy and is really learning how to move.  The kid just won't sit still!  Getting dressed, diaper changes, & feeding take much longer as he is just such a wiggle worm.  He wants to see, touch, and eat everything in sight.  He is so comfortable with rolling over, so as soon as you put him on his back to change, he goes straight to his tummy reaching for something.  And now that he's starting to crawl (like an army crawl) I really have to watch him.

     This last month was really tough on him though.  He was trying to cut a tooth for 2 weeks!  And it wasn't fun for either of us.... fever, not sleeping, extremely runny nose, couldn't breathe, not happy, and just overall not feeling well.  It was a very rough two weeks.  And then his bottom tooth cut!  Yeah!!  I had my happy baby again!  Until like two days later, we started the process again on his second bottom tooth.  He isn't fevering with this one (yeah!) but still has all of the other symptoms.  We are at the tail end of it though, so he's starting to be happy again. 

     Trae is such a picky eater!  He already hates veggies and is SUPER picky with his milk.  The day after he cut his tooth, he stopped nursing.  Just pretty much cold turkey.  (He'll still nurse through the night when he is tired and first thing in the morning if I catch him early, but that's it.)  But he HATES and refuses to drink formula.  So I am pumping as much as I can as that's all he'll eat.  And he won't even drink that unless cereal is mixed with it.  So breast milk in a bottle with rice cereal.  That's the only way  he'll take it.  Talk about picky!  The kid now goes through a box of cereal in 2 days!

     He is (still) one pound from his car seat limit (he actually lost some weight teething the first time) but we decided to change the car seat anyway.  It beats me constantly checking his weight.  Poor guy got thrown into sitting in high chairs and grocery carts.  He isn't very good at it yet.  He falls over easily (even though he is a good sitter) and doesn't really like it.  Looks like he'll just have to learn fast!

And that about sums it up!  Here are the pictures of our adventures this last bit!

Aaron likes to throw anything and everything into Trae's crib.  SO ANNOYING when Trae is sleeping...

Also likes to climb the side and talk to him/throw bigger items.

Gotta love being creative when you don't have an oven!  Cinnamon Roll Waffles!

And this is what your 2 year old gets away with when mom is so busy/tired with a teething baby.... I about had a heart attack when I walked into the kitchen!!

The first smile I had seen in a LONG time!  I took TONS of pictures!  It was also just days after he turned 6 months!

Last picture in the car seat!  6 months old!

I needed to get things done... this way he didn't fall over or lose his toys!

And of course, whatever Trae does Aaron has to do.

Trae is SO MESSY with vegetables.  NEVER fruit.  Kind of annoying when you know how non-messy they can actually be when they want to be.  Oh well.  Makes great pictures! :)

And, again, Aaron had to have a picture too. ha ha

Starting to reach for toys while sitting and going to tummy!

I spiked Aaron's hair...

He liked it!  But would never show me, the stinker!

Coloring!

Trae fell asleep holding onto the bumper.  Too cute!

He ALWAYS rolls over onto his tummy in his crib.

Aaron helped me make cheesecake for FHE.

Another messy face

First bath together!  I LOVE this seat for Trae!

FIRST crawl!!  For my phone....

Trying to get Trae to eat his toes for a picture...

So Aaron kept doing it to show him.

And we got it!!

Even Aaron would eat Trae's toes.

Bought this hat... Aaron LOVES it.  But still wouldn't give me a good picture.

New car seat!!  The boys can talk super easy now.

First time in a high chair at a restaurant.

And he loved eating the table.

He crawled again for some ice cream.  I gave him the stick from the Popsicle.

I think Trae looks so funny with his hair down.  This was after a bath.  His hair is just always poofy!

REALLY messy with nutella!

Lesson learned.. don't bounce your baby on your bed!  The bed fell off of the risers!  Do you see in the carpet where it use to be???  Talk about a heart attack.  Trae just laughed.

What you come back to find when grandma baby-sits.

Trae getting some good crawling action.

Then flipped over to play with the camera.

Messy with veggies again.

I fed him blueberries too without cleaning him up!  Do you see any blue?  Of course not... only green beans.

It got all over me too... I had to wash my glasses AND  face AND change my clothes!

And one quick video of Trae blowing raspberries!  I just randomly heard him doing this out of the blue so I grabbed my camera!