My (random) Soap Box

So this is not a normal blog entry for me.  Usually it's about my family life and pictures of my kiddos, and I don't really know why I feel so empowered to blog about this today, but it's literally making me shake with the feeling that I need to do so.  (So sorry if you read this and think it's dumb!)

I don't really know why having a miscarriage is a more "hushed" topic to talk about.  I guess this all started today when I had an appointment at my bank.  The guy I had an appointment with was running late (like 30 min) and so a loan officer (I am assuming that's his job anyways) came over and chatted with me to keep me company.  Through our 20 minute conversation, I learned that his family is a lot like ours.  He is going to school and work full time, they live with their grandparents, have a very independent two year old, and a new baby on the way.  As he was sharing pictures and we were discussing how close my kids were compared to his, he quietly (almost whispered) that his wife had a miscarriage before this baby or they would have been closer.

I gave my condolences as I definitely know that miscarriages are very hard to cope with.  And I guess with the conversation of discussing that, I realize that MANY people who have this experience don't really talk about it!  And I think that is sad!  Going through something so traumatic, physically AND emotionally, could be so helped if  it was more "okay" to talk to someone about!

And I am the worst at this.  I actually had two miscarriages between Aaron and Trae (And Derrick only counts one, but the second miscarriage I had ALL symptoms of 1st trimester with nausea and severe exhaustion so even though it was only for a month, by goly I count it), and I told NO ONE.  The only people that knew were ones who already knew I was pregnant, so naturally they had to be told. But I could count those people on one hand.  (I did have one friend who had a miscarriage before I did, and I am so grateful that she shared that with me as I was able to talk to her about it.)

Even hardly anyone knows now, and they were almost all told by Derrick when I wasn't even there.  (Not like he didn't have my permission, I just didn't want to talk about it.)

I was devastated.  I was depressed.  I was 12 weeks on Christmas Eve and we had it all planned how we were going to wrap presents and surprise the news to everyone that day.  I had my ultrasound only the Tuesday before Christmas, and we found out there was no heartbeat even though everything was PERFECT at the 8 week ultrasound.  I bawled whenever I could get alone that Christmas.  It was so tough.  I had to take medication to even pass the pregnancy 2 weeks later.  A month after that I was still having physical problems with the pregnancy and ended up leaving student teaching to rush myself to the E.R.  And Derrick was so busy he couldn't even come.  And the emotional tole it had on me was far worse than the physical.

Anyways, this isn't a soap box about me (even though it's kind of turning that way... oops).  I am just saying I wish that I felt like I could talk about it and the fact that someone could understand what I was going through!  (And those of you who are friends and family close to me, don't take this as I didn't trust to talk to you... I just didn't feel like I could share or talk about it.  So it was my fault, not that I didn't have people who would understand.)  And since this experience, I am learning that SO MANY WOMEN go through the same thing and feel the same way... that there is no one to talk to.

So I guess my reason for all of this is if this may be you, and you want to talk to someone, please feel free to talk to me.  I won't tell you how often it occurs (gotta love doctors for that one), try to beat you with a story from my life, or even say I know how you feel.  Because I don't.  I may have gone through something similar, but it definitely does not mean I know how YOU feel.  And I know I didn't want to cry in front of people... but you can cry to me and not feel bad.  I'll probably cry with you.

And please anyone don't take this the wrong way... I don't want anyone offended that I didn't feel like I could talk to them, and I'm not looking for people feeling sorry or any attention as I am perfectly alright now.  (I have a new healthy baby!!!)  I just felt like I needed to share this and let someone out there know that I will listen if they need to talk.

Thanks!